And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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