just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
