Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize