hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
