I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
