If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone came in the potted fern
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
