i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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