People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
