I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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