Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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