i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
