Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Success! We fucked roommates!
try to milk me bitch
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