i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You took a bar mat shot.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
