highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
