fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is my gift to your gina
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
