I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
