i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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