it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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