a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
