He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
