Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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