she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
