it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
