The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
