I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
