Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
