Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
