He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.