Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
