I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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