i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
