is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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