The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Vodka?
Forever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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