How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
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I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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