I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
