he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.