Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
