My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
