soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
