I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
