Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
