if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
