So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
