our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
