Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize