fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
