I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
