I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
