Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
