Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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