i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
