At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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