hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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