fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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