1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
