Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
